Liz Smith’s Summer Cruise

BBC Four, 9pm

The 87-year-old actress Liz Smith, best known for her role as Nana in The Royle Family, has never been on a proper holiday. In this delightful programme, she leaves her sheltered accommodation and goes on a ten-day cruise from Croatia to Venice with the award-winning documentary-maker Daisy Asquith (Clowns, Kimberly: Ten Years On), hoping against hope that the ship won’t sink. Her progress through Europe is accompanied by effortless eccentricity and sublime comic timing. Everything she says sounds funny, even if she means to be serious. And yet beneath the jollity is a deeply ingrained insecurity that leaves her feeling unloved and unwanted. “I haven’t had a bundle of friends,” she says. “Some people do. In my childhood, everybody disappeared for one reason or another. It’s left me marked for life, really.” Thirty seconds later she's having a wicked chuckle.

Revelations: Commando Chaplains

Channel 4, 7pm

Tonight’s film follows two Royal Marine chaplains in Afghanistan. Although they don’t carry weapons, they have to undergo the same gruelling training as their parishioners and maintain the same level of fitness. They minister to soldiers of all faiths, as well as those with no faith at all. Their prayers often have a muscular entreaty: “Let me not beg for the stilling of pain, but the heart to conquer it. Let me not fail those who have placed their trust in me.” The soldiers, far from home and often under intense stress, can confide in the chaplains knowing that what they say won’t go down on their records; in turn, the chaplains can reassure the soldiers that what they are doing is right. “I’ve found God to be good,” says one. “As such, I will recommend Him to the lads.”

On Thin Ice

BBC Two, 9pm

They haven’t even begun the race to the South Pole and still nothing is going their way. Ben Fogle is stuck in hospital undergoing a course of debilitating chemotherapy to get rid of the flesh-eating parasite that he contracted in Peru. Only 12 days before the team are due to leave, he is given the all-clear and told that he can compete. Next — after months of training, painstaking preparation and numerous setbacks — the team finally head out to the airport. At the check-in, Fogle’s fellow competitor and Olympic gold medallist James Cracknell discovers that he’s brought an out-of-date passport. Thankfully, there is some good news. When they finally arrive in Antarctica on a Russian cargo plane, the sun is shining. Needless to say, it doesn’t last.

Michael Jackson’s Last Days: What Really Happened?

Channel 4, 9pm

Jacques Perreti, master of gossip and conjecture, has rushed out this programme speculating about the events leading to Jacko’s death. Mercifully, no preview tapes were available, but we are assured by highly unreliable sources that key witnesses offer a “unique insight” into the last four months of his life. According to the blurb: “Jackson was determined to impress his legions of fans, performing the music they so wanted to hear one last time. But could he really deliver?” But this is my favourite bit. “Peretti gives us an extraordinary insight into the chronology of his demise as Jackson spiralled into despair.” Brace yourself.

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