11am, Wednesday, marquee, Regent’s Park. The VIP queue for the opening of the Frieze Art Fair, London’s largest contemporary art show. Among the VIPs: the world’s biggest art collectors and Anish Kapoor, Kate Moss, Johnny Borrell, Alexander McQueen, Gwynnie, Roman, oh, everybody. The following are verbatim reports from Frieze.

Scene 1: Jay Jopling’s White Cube Gallery stand. A large steel cabinet holds Damien Hirst’s famous collection of neatly aligned surgical tools — hundreds of scalpels, clamps and forceps. It’s called Night of the Long Knives.

White Cube Salesman, gesturing at tools: “Took me four days to install those.”

American with Too-White Teeth: “So how much is the Hirst?”

White Cube Salesman: “Two forty-five million.”

American with Too-White Teeth withdraws. Slaps shoulder of acquaintance: “Gonna walk around.

Don’t buy too much! Seeya.”

A couple approach wall-sized Andreas Gursky photograph of cathedral windows, a limited edition of six.

Man: “So how much . . .”

White Cube Salesman: “The Gursky is €500,000 and is currently on hold, but we have other Gursky images if you’d like to see them.” Leads couple round the back.

Jay Jopling (in signature undertaker’s suit and specs) stands grinning beneath a pink neon sign by Tracey Emin, which says “My c*** is wet with fear.”

Scene 2: Sadie Coles Gallery stand.

In the background, a Perspex box that contains two dangling plastic bags filled with water and urine, and a painting made of gold flock wallpaper.

Woman with Sunglasses in Hair:

“... and if you don’t have a private guide in Egypt, it takes a day to cross the street!”

Woman with Hermès Bag: “Yes, we had a private guide. She was a professor from the university. Ewww, what’s that?” Points at urine. Laughs. Leaves.

Sadie Coles (in a black suit) to audience: “Clearly there has been a contraction in the art market, but things have been improving since late spring. There are more Americans attending than last year. This is certainly a luxury business, but collectors who are involved and engaged, and really committed never go away. The dealers here have put considerable thought into what they’re showing, so the quality’s fantastic. A little more serious. Maybe we all did get a bit over the top ...”

Buyers pour towards the stand.

Coles (discreetly): “She’s from Miami. He’s from Italy. She’s Swiss ... Please excuse me.”

Scene 3: Lisson Gallery stand. Buyers are reflected in a brassy Anish Kapoor disc, price £450,000. A musician in a black suit is making nasty noises on a violin. Alex from Lisson (in black suit and specs): “The violin music is actually a recording of a mosquito entering a room in the night. It’s a romantic idea, made from something so inconsequential.”

Journalist (in £10 second-hand shoes): “Do you get the violinist, too?”

Alex: “No, it’s $12,000 for the sheet music. But you can play it any time.”

A neon sign on the wall by Jonathan Monk says DO NOT PAY MORE THAN $20,000.

Alex: “A new sign goes up each day of the fair, in $20,000 increments to $100,000. The piece actually costs about $15,000. But there’s a stipulation that it must never be sold for more than the stated price. Less is OK. So you want to buy the £100,000 one for an investment.”

Scene 4: Copystand: An Autonomous Manufacturing Zone. Part of Frieze Projects, which tend to subvert and challenge the fair — from within. The artist Stephanie Syjuco is making bootleg copies of the artworks, and selling them cheap, from £19.95. She points to a giant black “I” painted on a white background.

Syjuco: “The original is by Mark Wallinger. It took me about four hours to copy it yesterday. I’m trying to recycle stuff and use the detritus from the fair, like packing cases. That’s why there’s a join at the top. I reckon I’ll ask for under £500.”

A German woman in a leopard-print dress barrels in and stands before a faceless painting: “Is that Janis Joplin?”

Syjuco: “Well it’s a knock-off of the original painting by Ajit Chauhan, which is a copy of the album cover.”

German Leopard: “I want to buy it.”

Scene 5: a teeny cinema. The Frieze Film by Superflex, The Financial Crisis, is showing. On screen, a Danish hypnotist is “approaching the economic crisis as a psychosis to be treated therapeutically”.

A leather-clad couple are watching.

Hypnotist: “There’s a letter on your desk. Deep, deep down you hear this little voice telling you what the letter is all about. You’re fired. This is a disaster for you. You have no money. You will lose your house.”

Couple (uneasy): “Ha, ha, ha. OK, let’s go. We’ve got a lot to see.”

Scene 6: Andreiana Mihail Gallery stand. New, youthful gallery from Romania with nothing on the wall but a giant red, hand- sewn, Soviet-style banner. It says: LONG LIVE AND THRIVE CAPITALISM.

Mihail: “It’s only $5,000.”

Friezeartfair.com, Regent’s Park, London NW1, today and tomorrow

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