Now that their first film is about to turn them into box-office superstars, the Simpson family will be looking for somewhere to escape the parties and pressures of Hollywood. May we suggest the UK?

But where is a family with three tricky children and one very tricky parent to go? In the new film, Homer shows all the sense of parental responsibility we’ve come to expect by daring his son to go naked to Krustyburger. Bart duly obliges in a skateboard streak across town. What kind of summer activities might keep these two amused?

For sure, any tourist attraction with a gift aid scheme is going to have Homer asking where his gift is. Once, when he was told what “suggested donation” meant at the Springfield Museum, he could barely contain himself. “You think people are going to pay four dollars and fifty cents out of the . . . he he he . . . kindness of their . . . he he he. Well good luck, lady!” In The Simpsons Movie, Bart’s sister Lisa lets loose her inner eco-warrior (to the complete indifference of the rest of Springfield), so she’d make sure her itinerary included the Eden Project, and other “places where my intelligence will be an asset, not a liability”.

And what of Marge? This busy mother-of-three lives to make cakes for the school bake, but even she appreciates some downtime. Can anywhere in Britain hope to live up to her stay at Springfield’s very own Rancho Relaxo? (“Remember, you can’t say ‘Relaxo’ without saying ‘relax’.”) While families across Britain will be loading up the car, smothering themselves in sun block and forgetting to put the cat out before setting off on their summer holidays in the next few weeks, at least the Simpsons start with low expectations. Before heading off to Itchy and Scratchy Land (a violent cartoon-themed version of Disneyland) in one episode, Homer turned to face the rest of his family: “OK, let’s make a pact,” he said. “This is going to be the best vacation ever, or we’ll all agree to disband and join other families.” “Agreed,” they replied in unison.

The last time the Simpsons visited London, they were greeted at the airport by Tony Blair, before going on to create a diplomatic incident. Over the next few pages we have come up with over 50 summer holiday suggestions to keep the whole family out of trouble – from Bart to Maggie and, yes, even Homer. We’ve tried to make them as weatherproof as possible, but we’d advise them – and you – to pack a stout brolly, just in case.

The Simpsons Movie opens nationwide on July 27

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