The funny side of fuel prices

Fuel is the hot topic right now, not just in Britain and America, but everywhere. You don’t need a comedian like me pontificating on the politics of fuel, and there doesn’t seem to be much we can do about the price of gas, so hopefully you can all enjoy some gags about it instead.

The government keeps telling us the weather affects gas prices: when the weather is rainy and cold it takes more fuel to heat your home and the price of oil goes up. Then when the weather is warm and sunny, people take more vacations and drive more, so the price of gas goes up. The only time weather makes the price go down is when it snows in hell.

Have you noticed that as prices have gone up, there haven’t been any oil spills? When gas was $1.50 a gallon here in the States, oil tankers were crashing into Alaska, they were ramming into bridges in San Francisco, and the stuff was washing up on beaches. But now that it’s almost $5 a gallon, it’s all “Hey! Don’t jiggle that!”

They’re asking people here in the States to drive only when it is 100% necessary. I heard that on the radio this morning, as I was driving my kitty back from the cat spa.

It’s interesting how they classify vehicles over here. For instance, do you know why a Hummer is considered an off-road vehicle? That’s because the price of gas means you can’t afford to put it on the road. And, of course, SUV now stands for stranded utility vehicle.

The price of fuel is really affecting how we live here in Los Angeles. Gas is now so expensive that a lot of gangs can’t afford to do drive-by shootings any more, so we have walk-by shootings instead. In Beverly Hills the locals are even seeking medical help: a lot of people are going to their plastic surgeon for that operation – you know, the one where they staple their gas tank shut so it doesn’t use quite as much.

Gas prices are flirting with $5 a gallon. Flirting? Aren’t we beyond flirting? Aren’t we pretty much screwed at this point?

There is good news, though, and help is on the way. Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight the rising oil prices – let’s just hope it works out a little better than its pledge to fight terrorism.

It cost me $80 to fill up my car recently, but I remember the days when $80 would buy you a large latte at Starbucks. What the heck went wrong?

A lot of people are turning to alternative fuels, and one English company says it’s developed a car that runs on urine. How’s that going to work? Most guys can’t even hit the toilet, and that’s got a big hole to aim at. You can forget trying to aim in that little gas-tank opening – it’s going to ruin the whole side of the car.

There’s even a Japanese company that’s claiming to have a car that runs on water. Evian water is, what, $2 a pint? That’s $16 a gallon, so you might as well stick with gasoline. It’s got so bad that guys are now hiring hookers to suck the fuel out of gas tanks, and it’s actually become cheaper to hire illegal immigrants to push your car where you want to go than to fuel it.

Remember the movie Mad Max, and how people were killing each other for a few gallons of gas? Well it’s coming back, only this time as a reality show.

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