We have an elaborate way of getting the Christmas tree home this year, all 6ft of it. The lighter end is tied to my four-year-old son Tom’s scooter.
He pushes the scooter while I carry the heavier end in one hand and push Oliver, my 14-month-old son, in the buggy with the other. It’s not an easy task.
“You’ll be okay?” Eddie, the Christmas-tree man, asks, and Tom laughs his deep belly laugh, because he loves the chaos we’re causing in the high street. “My mum’s much stronger than she looks,” he says, which is what I’m always telling him.
The light is fading and the school pickup is going on around us as we head home. A jam of BMWs and 4WDs clogs the narrow road that runs alongside the common. We stop to rest by the first bench, because my arms are aching. That is when the shiny, new Range Rover stops a few yards from us. I glance at the driver. The person I most dread seeing is behind the wheel.
There she sits, in the familiar pose, straight-backed, staring ahead, immaculately dressed as ever, hair pulled back from her pretty face. When I look down, my hands are shaking. The pain is as unbearable as it was a year ago. I don’t know if she sees me, but if she does, she doesn’t wave or call out as she once would have done. I, too, keep my head down and pretend I haven’t seen her.
“Why does Santa have a beard, Mummy?”
Tom asks, and I look over at his young, wide-eyed face.
“Because it keeps his face warm in Lapland, darling,” I say. Tom thinks about this.
“Maybe he doesn’t have a razor in Lapland,” he says eventually.
“Maybe.” The lorry has driven up onto the curb, and the Range Rover moves on. I catch a final glimpse of the woman inside. Her name is Rebecca. She was once my best friend; godmother to my elder son, as was I to her eldest daughter. We have known each other since school – 20 years of loving friendship. She and her husband had even moved in a few streets away from us.
“Come on, Mummy,” Tom says, and we struggle on homeward. By the time we get there, the sun has set. The house sits in darkness and I wish I’d left the lights on so that it seemed welcoming. I put on the stereo. “Don’t know why, there’s no sun up in the sky,” Ella Fitzgerald sings out.
Rebecca had not been happy the year before last. “I haven’t done anything with my life,” she kept telling me, which wasn’t true. She’d had three children, been a classic domestic goddess. She had been married for 10 years to a banker, a good family man – quieter, less sociable than she, but solid and kind.
They belonged in the area more than we did: they were part of the wealthy City set. We, in contrast, were bohemians: two writers, the sort of couple everyone wants to invite to their parties, but whose life nobody actually wants to live, because we never knew where the next pay cheque was coming from.
I had known she was unhappy. When, one day, she came to me crying, I told her to slow down, to find things that were meaningful to her. She said I was right. She would do that. But she never did. She still rushed around, spent too much money on things she didn’t want, invited to dinner people she didn’t want to see, filled her diary with dates she didn’t want to keep. Like all of us, she was trying to fill holes in her life. She was just trying to fill them in the wrong way.
Tom is standing with his hands on his hips, looking at the tree lying outside the front door. “I suppose it’s up to me to fix this, Mummy,” he says, and tries to lift it into the house by himself. We struggle to get the tree into its stand, him trying to help but only hindering, and me looking as if I’m not helping while almost breaking my back. Then Tom and I set about hanging baubles on it, while Oliver sets about taking them off.
Last year, when Rebecca’s youngest was 14 months old, something changed. She blossomed. There was a flush to her cheeks. She lost weight, dressed differently, looked sexier. I thought she was finally filling the holes.
What of me at this time? I had my own holes. I was pregnant with my second child and suffering from acute morning sickness, but more than that, I had a dark lethargy hanging over me. There was a sense that something wasn’t right, but because I couldn’t identify it, it manifested itself as confusion inside. I couldn’t make decisions about the smallest things.
When Oliver was born, I should have felt on top of the world – I had given birth naturally to a healthy baby. But by the time he was two months old, I was as low in self-esteem as I had ever been. It was then that I found out.
“I’m having an affair with Rebecca,” my husband told me. And a week later, he left. We had been together for 14 years. He was my first love; I was his. He had been my life, my home. I thought I was his. I can hardly remember those first few months. I staggered through them, racked with the pain of the past and the terror of the future. I hid my tears all day and let them fall at night, trying to catch them when I fed Oliver, so they wouldn’t land on his head. I lost 2st.
I watched Tom retreating into himself. “I wish it was the way it used to be when Daddy was at home,” he kept saying to me. I would take his tiny hand in mine, and I’d know he and Oliver were the most precious things in the world, but even they couldn’t dull the pain, because they were so intrinsically entwined with it. Somehow, I had lost them the chance to live in a normal family, safe and secure with two parents who loved them enough to work at staying together. For better, for worse. To me, family was sacred.
After betrayal, was there vengeance? In my case, no. I didn’t throw eggs at my friend’s Range Rover. I didn’t scream or shout or smack her in the face. I did nothing. I was still breast-feeding, still up at night with a newborn. I can understand the emotions that led her where they did. And I do believe there is a place for passion in life, a way to enrich the ordinariness of every day. We all have holes we are trying to fill. But surely there are better ways? Nothing can be worth this much pain to so many people.
Statistically, women are now committing adultery as often as men. Financially independent, they aren’t so afraid to venture out and get what they want. But what of the sisterhood? How can a woman, who should instinctively know the place another woman is in, still choose to take a path that will cause so much damage? Falling in love is the easiest way to fill a hole, to bask in the reflected glory of someone’s heightened vision of you. It doesn’t last. We are all heaven and hell. Shouldn’t we find other ways?
Until we do, we’ll just have more affairs, break up more families, commit children to a life of segregation, shifted from one house to another like potted plants. Married love versus new love. In my case, new love won. Sort of. A year on, nobody is happy. Rebecca and my husband are still together, but the relationship seems tenuous. They live separately. Whenever he and I see each other – every other weekend, when he has the children – we meet with eyes downcast and speak in monosyllables. What we once were has been broken. We are meant to be getting a divorce.
We have finished the tree, the boys and I. Most of the baubles are on the top half, where Oliver can’t reach them, but it looks lovely, and I’ve made a fire that is roaring in the wood-burner. We sit beside it, in the house I’m going to have to sell because I can no longer afford to live here, and roast marshmallows, just the three of us, as we will be this Christmas time. Slowly trying to fill up the huge space where someone is missing.
My husband cheated on me last year. We have since got back together but the pain is still unbearable at times. I wept when I read your account. I wish all the best for you. To anyone out there contemplating infidelity, take a moment to put yourself in someone elses shoes and stop being selfish!!!
Ruth, West Sussex,
You sound like a wonderful person, who doesn't deserve this (actually, no-one does). But I think you'll , or come to terms with what has happened to you, because you are reflective and kind..so many people would speak ill of their ex-partner to their children. You'll be alright. Unlike your husband.
A, Accra, Ghana
My husband walked out on me and our twins earlier this year, walked right out of my house into her bed. We were together 6.5 years, and it was great. We would have been married 4 years next Thursday.
We didn't have any issues in the marriage his excuse to me for leaving was "I can talk to her"
Kim, Vancouver, Canada
You have to find "you". I was also an abandoned wife and mother 7 years ago. I learned that i had put all of my eggs in the good wife basket and none in the this is "me". You were a good wife and are a good mother. Trust in yourself and try to look at what you now have not what you used to have.
sue, Blyth, northumberland
I'm a man who fell in love with a work colleague when my youngest (of 3) was just 2 years old. The intensity of that feeling is painful to resist, but I managed it because I couldn't leave a 2 yr old. So, discipline can resist love, but it's difficult and it hurts. Life ain't easy.
Mike, London,
I've never thought that someday things like this would happen to me, but if i have to say somthing about this, i would say that she deserves happiness and sympathy.
Thao Hoang, Ha Noi, Viet Nam
My uncle (mums bro) left my aunty and 3 kids after 15 yrs of marriage for her half sister. 22 years later, her kids are doing so well settled with excellent jobs. They adore their mum who sacrificed her life for them. She is the happiest nan and enjoys the best of life thks to her sons n daughter, while my uncle is tied to a bitter woman and her kids. he is so desperate for his kids attention he even faked a heart attack. He is the loser and will only realise that when he is old and the lust have worn off. Be happy and live for your kids...they'll b ur joy n support in ur old days. God Bless u.
Tanya, London,
This is exactly what happened in my home growing up - exactly! Almost to the Tee....all because my mothers best friend wasnt happy in her own marriage. The affair had been going on for 6 yrs behind everyone's back....my mother never suspected, because she had soo much trust for her.
Charlene, Dublin,
I think that people who do this are pathetic and insecure and you know what they say...'Familiarity Breeds Contempt' and in this case - Very true! Not only that but we had found out that she had done it before aswell!!
Charlene, Dublin,
A sad story and it happens very often in these days. Most of the times, I think, it is arising out of "temptation" and "sexuall needs". One must be able to controll himself or herself when one is facing a temptation. In human nature, there are weaknesses. One can easily tend to have an affair when the conditions let it. I think the solution is partly with the conditions. We must avoid of the situations which might let something bad happen. When one man and woman being near each other for some time, something may happen. We call this "fire and powder stuation". But it is almost impossibble in these days. In work place, in family gatherings, in cafes etc. in all places men and women come together. So these things happen. In this way, it seems we will hear a lot of this kind of stories.
Fatih, Hamburg, Germany
Its a very dangerous path to take, getting involved with someone else when your in a loving family unit.
In this case the grass looks greener on the other side but its only a short term fix for a long term problem. I have been through a divorce and it has a long hard process that still leaves me scarred today. My ex wife moved away and made it as difficult as possible for me to see the children.
Unresolved issues come into a relationship and unless they are talked though and accepted as differences or weaknesses the relationship grows apart and the end product is for one partner to find excitment elsewhere
Azan London UK
Azan Laslett, Camberley, Surrey
Michela your answer is insulting.
Divorce is horrific and painful and it happens with scary regularity these days. Better support should be found for the women and men who are bringing up their children alone.
These households are not 'background' families - they are becoming the majority.
louise, brighton, east sussex
You are right. No human love can fill that hole. Surely that 'hole' can only be filled by the love of Christ.
Michaela, London, UK
I was in a similar situation, but in the end, it changed my life for the good. At the time, I was so devastated I could barely function. In desperation I went to a therapist and discovered I'd chosen a man who was extremely selfish and controlling, incapable of real love. I never would have left him, so thank God he left me.
For the past 18 years I've been with the kindest soul in the world, who truly loves me and would never cheat on me. I didn't know what joy I was missing. So don't lose hope. Happier days are ahead.
PJ, Cambridge , USA
women are so much stronger than men. we are supposed to be strong, but I know to live through what has happened to you would destroy me. You maintain your dignity and I have to say that the next man in your life will be a very lucky one. I hope he gives you the happiness you deserve
rich, alicante, spain
An affair usually is a symptom of an unhappy/unfulfilled marriage - not a cause.
If only people were more open in their relationships. Talking about what is going wrong, could help to find a solution before the inevitable breakdown occurs.
Frankie, Powys, Wales
I know how this feels, my wife decided new sex was better that married love when our daughter was 8. Now she wants me (and my salary) back. Too bad for her I have moved on......
Robert, Dallas, USA
I'm sorry u had to go through this. I know it's a terrible thing that and you are not the only woman out there that experiences this, its horrible. But...one day you will love again, you will don't worry, maybe it will be the man of your dreams, just when u thought there could never be just as good of a relpacement, you will find him :)
Stephanie, California, U.S.A
This article made me cry. Your husband's actions make me feel sick to the stomach. Marriage is the sort of commitment that overides selfish "needs". I have a lot of respect for the writer of the previous post.
Katie, London,
You don't critisice your husband once in the article. He left his young family. He left you alone with a newborn baby.
'But what of sisterhood?' you ask. But she didn't not make an oath of commitment to you - he did, and he broke it.
Your ex best friend is at fault too, but your husband is the greatest offender in your story.
CD, Bristol,
Sometimes relationships just aren't right - maybe this is what this man felt. Awful timing; but maybe it was never going to work. Horrible as it sounds, sometimes the harsh reality of kids or a pregnancy forces a re-evalaution. Awful for everyone conerned; but better sooner out (even "running off" with someone else) than staying "for the sake of the kids". Better to end it and each person be free to be happy with someone else - or by themselves - if it just aint working, than staying in a loveless/forced (on either or both sides) relationship.
Ann Coughlan, Dublin,
Many thanks for this article. I have been pondering about escaping from my current commitment, which I find so boring and loveless. But now I have to also think about how she would feel, should I run away with the one that I adore! I wish I could be two.
Maxwll, London,
My partner left me at 7 wks pregnant when I exposed his ongoing, unprotected affair.
He left to live alone. He removed our furniture, cut off money, & verbally abused me for my faults. He lived like a playboy, spending and holidaying, lying to friends/family to demonise me and deflect from his affair. He kept the work affair secret to protect his image.
I asked him to the birth - he repaid me by sending pictures of our baby to 'her' from my bedside,
A year on, she's moving in when me and baby are forced to leave our home. She's known as a girl who was after a company boss, and an 'out' from her own relationship.
Relationship happiness can't come from such mess. My ex doesn't behave like a man in love. He hasn't begun to show regret or insight into his behaviour.
He avoids his baby, inventing strife to do so. We're permanent reminders of his failure and guilt.
Perhaps she feels his cold behaviour towards me is in some way a compliment to her. In fact it's what's in store for her.
LLG, London,
Why is it that the blame is so often put on the other woman? Isn't it the straying cheating man who should face the main blame, although, if it is your best friend running off with your husband, that is a different story. However, way too often the man gets off way too lightly, as if it infedility is something he cannot help, or do men have some god-given right to cheat? All men, me included, have a choice to make, and while we can all make mistakes, it is at the end of the day our choice if we want to ruin our marriage and a lot of other people's lives simply because we cannot appreciate what we have and too easily give into temptation. /Nick
Nicholas, Stockholm, Sweden
My ex husband did the same to me when pregnant with our second child, once forgiven he showered me with expensive gifts and holidays to cover his continuing infidelities, now 11(divorced) years down the line he has not changed his ways with a succession of multiple girlfiends, he's aged and haggered , a result of living with so many lies and continually bitter towards me that I dared to pull his comfortable rug from under him.
Experience has shown me no matter how much you put into a relationship any man would stray given the chance , but there
are those that are truly misguided by their abberation and those like my ex to whom it is a way of life, sorting the wheat from the chaff is the hard bit.
Jayne, Dorset,
I was married to my second husband for 19 years when I found out that he was having an affair with my next door neighbour. I moved out of my home immediately and 6 years on I live alone. The other woman is still living with her husband and family and my husband is now living alone. If these women only knew the pain and suffering they cause by destructing a marriage, I understand how Anne is feeling and I wish her well in the future. I admire her strength and courage in caring for her children.
beth, belfast, ireland
I'll agree with a previous poster, that "Some men ar'nt built to be faithful" only insamuch that some cars ar'nt designed to be driven slowly, but you can if you try.
Reading the article, I felt sorry for the woman concerned and some of her pain came through strongly.
I also noticed that Best Friend quite often becomes the "Other Woman" in these happenings, why? I suspect that Women choose their friends based in part on Mutual Likes, Dislikes, and so on. Not supprising that they would find similar types of Male "acceptable" and yet they remain at times unaware of the Potential Rival for their partners interest
Nick, Emsdetten, germany
I found out, when my son was 5 months old, that my husband had been having an affair with my 17 year old sister.
How my sister, who I practically raised and had even decorated a room in our new home for, could have betrayed me so badly I will never know. Nor will I ever know what made her feel so entitled to my husband or to destroy the lives of her sister and nephew for her own gratification.
Like you I refrained from smashing them both in the face and held my tears until night time. I too felt like a failure for not being able to give my son the happy stable home life I had envisioned for him. Our family has been destroyed because two people couldn't control themselves. We will always be attracted to other people, but whether or not we act on that to the detriment of those around us is what defines our character
I admire your strength and I wish you, your boys and all of the people who have experienced this type of betrayal all the love and happiness you deserve.
Heidi Elliott, Sydney, Australia
Anne, I feel for you, I am in exactly the same position right now. The pain is unbearable, hurt unimaginable, yet we (moms) have to go on, for the sake of the children.
I don't run him down, don't judge him, because he is the father of my children.
Does he care about us, I think not, he wants this new life, so desperately, he no longer contacts us...............
All we can do is pray for him.
Al, Port Elizabeth, South Africa
I went through a similiar situation when my former husband was promoted and moved out of state. He introduced me to a lovely couple with similiar interests as ours. The woman and I had so much in common. Later to find out that she and my husband were having an affair. I left him as soon as I found out and he was unwilling to work on the relationship. Revenge has taken its own course without me having to do anything. I couldn't have calculated a plan this good. He was fired, lost the respect of his children, family, and friends, moved in to an apartment, got his car reposessed, and owes the IRS and I tons of money. Me? I'm living debt free in a wonderful house with two great kids, rediscovering what makes me happy. Life goes on.
Brenda Cardwell, Murfreesboro, TN/USA
Dennis Samsom - I think your phrase the "joy of duty" is absolutely spot on. Doing what's IS right nearly always trumps what FEELS right for overall satisfaction. If you're lucky they are the same thing of course!
Cheating is bad. But publicly humiliating your spouse to boot is worse. He might have been risking her health too and a baby still breastfeeding (if he was having unprotected contact with both women). In a way, the worst crime of all is confessing, which is only the right course if you're about to be found out anyway. Otherwise offloading your guilt by breaking someone's heart only adds insult to injury.
So if you must cheat - and you mustn't, but if you feel you must - remember just because you fail one duty, of fidelity, doesn't mean it's OK to fail the rest. Protect your partner's reputation, health and heart and it is possible to regain your integrity and maybe be forgiven.
Elizabeth, London,
having been on both sides of infidelity....i'm left wondering what he'd have to say if he were to write an article.
lucas jackson, lansing , michigan
Such a common tale for a lot of us wives. It will only ever stop when the other women say 'no' to hurting others, can't rely on the men to think with the big head!
Penny, New Zealand,
I wholeheartedly agree with the dancing girl: when you ask someone to marry you, you are making a far more serious commitment than I think a lot of people realise these days. It is just laughable to even suggest that a man's 'needs' should be considered in the same breath as his duty to support his wife during pregnancy (and indeed throughout marriage). Very upsetting article.
Nick, London,
"Sisterhood?" Forget that niave notion of decency and respect - it doesn't exist if it ever did. Especially when love or sex is involved.
"A year on, nobody is happy." At least you have the satisfaction of knowing they are not happy. Wish I had that - my betrayers are seemingly happy living their own lives together whilst I struggle alone and despite being busy I have not met anyone new.
Lesley, London, UK
AW you ignore her other key remark:
"We were...the sort of couple everyone wants to invite to their parties, but whose life nobody actually wants to live, because we never knew where the next pay cheque was coming from."
But she seems to think she's poorer now, doesn't she? So, did she appreciate what she had? Not all men are rich or ever will be. Women and men are very good at blaming other people for their feelings. But when men say, "She made me angry',we don't accept it. When women say, "he made me depressed," we do. Why? If you think a man is oppressing you, why do you want to live with him? If he isn't oppressing you, then you need to take responsibility for yourself and your own feelings. Living with a depressive who blames others for her feelings is soul-destroying. Living wih someone who hankers for more material goods than you can provide (or want to provide) too. I am not denying her life is hard. Just sounds to me like his might have been as hard or harder.
RW, Istanbul,
To the gentleman who keeps insisting that Ms. James should "forgive, rethink and get back together" because "an affair is not a reason to end a good marriage": your comments should be addressed to Ms. James' husband.
There's a world of difference between an unfaithful spouse who asks forgiveness, and pledges to earn that forgiveness - and one who "confesses" on his way out the door.
Nothing in this essay suggests that SHE wanted to give up on their marriage! Her husband announced that he was having an affair. He left one week later. She spent the next months privately crying and underfeeding herself.
One year later, he is STILL WITH the other woman. Nothing about his behavior, then or now, suggests that HE wants to be forgiven or to work on repairing their marriage. How exactly is she supposed to "forgive, rethink, etc.," even if she still wanted to, without his participation?
I believe the best is yet to come for Ms. James - and wish her a life filled with love, trust and joy.
Chris, Providence, RI, USA
Re: She was depressed about her second pregnancy (that's not a sign of great commitment)
This comment totally misses the fact that pre natal depression is at least, if not more common than post natal which gets all the press (at least 10% and possibly as high as 50% of pregnant women are effected by depressive symptoms). I am amazed that anyone would say that getting hormone related depression signifies a lack of committment.
AW, midlands,
Nothing changes! A woman is left with a toddler and a new born baby and people actually write "Were HIS needs being met" "If he had been happy in his marriage the affair would never have happened" etc. It is always the woman's fault, even when she is left. It is absolutely ludircous. Men cannot help it etc.... Absolutely rubbish. This man had a wonderful family and nobody can meet anybody elses NEEDS 24 hours a day, seven days a week!! Ridiculous. No marriage is perfect and nobody is perfeclty gloriously happy each and every day of their married life! I find both the husband and the "best friend" dispicable to behave in such a callous manner. Good luck Olivia and move on with your life. I found the article desperately sad.
Dancing Girl, Cologne, Germany
From this story (even told from the 'injured party's' point of view), there is plenty of evidence that Olivia herself wanted something her man could not give her, even before he left. She expresses discontent even contempt for her life with her husband, and she was not the 'bohemian' she claims to have been or she would have had a lot more sang-froid about ann affair (very bourgeois response). She was depressed about her second pregnancy (that's not a sign of great commitment) and blames her feeligs on everyone else. Takes two to make or break a marriage. I hope she finds a man who can satisfy her but she will have to stop pretending about who she is first.
RW, Istanbul, Turkey
People have criticized my comments as condoning adultery and operating a double standard. This is not so. I think fidelity desirable for men and women. Its about how do deal with failure.
I am saying something quite different. First, that a glance at human behaviour shows affairs are going to happen. Second, AN AFFAIR IS NOT A REASON TO END A GOOD MARRIAGE. Third, that it is unrealistic to expect, and fatal to attempt to compel, lifelong fidelity starting at in your early twenties. Hope for it however. Do try for it. It is an ideal. Don't torment yourself if your relationship fails to be perfect on this score.
My advice to Ms James stands: forgive, rethink, get back together. Its about your family and children, not her. Never mind 'betrayal'. In a period of enforced abstinence, a woman managed to seduce him. He was human, he failed. He was wrong. He's probably still the decent person you married. Its not a reason to end a marriage.
George Johnson, London, England
Do you honestly think that writing this article has been of any help to you or your children only a year into separation? It was not a good thing that happened to you, it was seriously extreme - but when one gets married, there are no guarantees. And it seems unhealthy to me to try to blame the demise of your relationship on the fact that you put weight on with your pregnancy, as contrasted with your friends loss of weight and interest in her looks. I'm sure the reason for your husband straying was more complex than you are suggesting. Placing emphasis on looks/weight/money detracts from the main issues - as does placing the emphasis on sex, as some other commentators have - it's hardly about sex at all. I wish you, your children and your ex-husband strength for the future.
Rose, Manchester, Lancashire
No matter how difficult the past, you can always begin again today, learn to respond - not react. Whatever we cultivate in times of ease, we gather strength for times of change. There is only one time when it is essential to awaken. That time is now. Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion. Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others. Learn to let go - that is the key to happiness. There is no fire greater than greed and hatred. Karma means you don't get away with anything.
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Stuart , Kemnay,
For some women, their only source of self-esteem is the feeling they get from being adored by men. Yours just happened to be conveniently located. I was once targetted by one of these, a woman whose only statement to me that I can say was true was, "There are a lot of wives in Hamburg who hate me."
Luckily I saw through what she was and cut her out of my life before she got to me and destroyed my marriage. We are now stronger than ever. She carries on though, wreaking havoc through the lives of others. These women are out there. They're sick. They're called narcissists. They have what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They used to call them Jezebels.
ian in hamburg, Hamburg, Germany
A similar thing happened to me. I was 8 and half months pregnant with our 2nd child when my ex walked out on us. He had been seeing a woman I had grown up with. This was 22 years ago now. It wasn't easy but bringing my girls up alone I realised I didn't need anyone else to justify me. I love my girls more than life itself and they have become beautiful balanced young women. I didn't bad mouth him in front of them because despite all he was their dad. They have made up their own minds about him and what happened. He is still with her and has 4 boys but is a lousy father and she and he live virtually separate lives. Thinking back she really got the booby prize.
There is no real advice I could give but the pain does subside, if you need counseling; take it! if help is offered take it! You can make a good life for you and your children. You are a whole to start with a partner is great but doesn't complete you. Chin up!!
reevy1, London, London
You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Trying to make your children's Christmas as normal as possible is great - Tom sounds a lovely little boy and I bet you're a great mother. You are also a talented writer, judging by this article.
Twenty or so years ago my husband left me for another woman just after I got out of hospital after having treatment for cancer - treatment which I'd postponed to help him run his business. I remember being stuck in a top floor flat with only 6 oranges for my Christmas dinner - I wasn't well enough to go out to buy food - because he'd taken his new girlfriend skiing. I had to make a new start, in a new home and new job and it was difficult because of my medical history. It took a few years but my life is now happy and I'm successful and secure. I wish you and your sons happiness and success in the future. As for your husband, he's the loser in this.
Fuchsia, Leeds, UK
I can't say how much I sympathise with this woman The hurt of betrayal is immense and it will take her a long time to get over it. But she will. It's her husband who will regret his disgusting, disgraceful, utterly selfish behaviour. I've seen it so many times. The betrayed eventually move on and it is the betrayor who is left with guilt and loss - possibly for the rest of his life. Take heart and believe that in the end you will feel better about things - never the same but you will recover. Don't take him back!
sympathiser, london, uk,
Olivia, i'm very sorry for you and your kids. Your husband, their father, left you for another woman. If it hadn't been Rebecca, it would have been somebody else. Something was obviously not right in your relationship. No marriage vows can force somebody to stay or to be honest, only love and friendship can. I hope that you will find love and friendship with another man or woman. And that you can become friends again with the estranged couple.
Anne, Brighton, East Sussex
Please don't use your children as a weapon against your ex-husband. It'll back fire against you in the future and your children will resent you for it. Let him see them as often as possible but don't let his visits impinge on your important social arrangements. Otherwise, get a good, specialist and experienced divorce lawyer - preferably a woman - and screw him for everything that you can get out of him - capitalising on his short-term guilt. Screw her financially, too. Smiling at her in a 'knowing' sense will hurt her more than it'll hurt you to do so. Practice that.
You sound like an interesting and attractive person. Just face up to it. Your ex wasn't the right one for you . But, think logically. You are a thoughtful, kind and loving mother. There are kind, generous and loving men out there who will love you and your children. You just haven't met him yet. But you will. Trust me. I know about these things.
Best wishes for your future life. You will survive and be happier for it.
Jimmy, West Bridgford, Nottingham, England
All men have a decison to make, an affair gives only short term gratification, remember the good times, remember you don't always look like George Clooney, remember that this is the woman who had your children, was patient through your mistakes, and built you up, when you were down, as a husband and a father myself . nothing beats working on your marriage and staying faithful. You will get the rewards. Women also have a role to play, too many english women, let go of their apperance and figure when they have children, going about in stringy greasey hair, and shapeless pullovers, many can't even boil an egg, there is no excuse for adultery, but there are always reasons.
Uche George, London, England
I can't believe I'm reading this! So George Johnson thinks that you should accept infidelity as part of a man's character like a lads drunken night out or maybe him snorring or even a guy who is too much into his football. Maybe it's me but that sounds a bit... erm what do they call it? SEXIST! I am a man and I know other men who not only wouldn't cheat on their partners but would also be devastated if their partner cheated on them, or is not ok for men to do it but not women? Thanks for reminding us what it is to live in the 16th century George!
As for Olivia... All you need is find the answers inside you but whatever you do do NOT give up. Things seem grim but they will get better. Don't waste time on negative feelings towards your exs (partner and best friend), you only have to deal with there betrayal fora few years but they have to live with it all their lives. Just beware of them when they come crawling back asking for forgiveness. Character flows cannot be excused so easily!
Alex K, Manchester, UK
My daughter was 4 when her father left us just before Christmas 1994, to move in with a young girl half his age. Who was it said there's no fool like an old fool? - got that right.
The first year was the toughest but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 12 years later, the younger model turned him in for a younger model but not before two more children got caught in the fall-out. Me, I have no regrets - my daughter is the joy of my life, my career kept us going where others may have been unwillingly thrown on the mercy of welfare. Its been a struggle but I bought the roof over our heads under my own steam. Life was no so unkind as it could have been.
Him? Homeless, jobless and aged. What goes around comes around, Olivia although I bear no ill-will. She did me a favour.
Helena, Manchester,
But why is only Rebecca to blame. For once why don't women in the name of sisterhood lay the blame where it should rightly be, on the doors of the husband. After all it was the husband who took the oath to be with the wife forever.
It is only incidental that Rebecca happened to be your friend.
You were betrayed by your husband more than Rebecca. So please see sense and stop blaming only women for the actions of men.
Serena, London, Britain
Some of the commenters here have truly been brainwashed by the conventional wisdom of our times. Infidelity is not normal; that is a faddish belief. Just as some species mate for life and some will hump anything, some people are built to be sexually faithful and some aren't.
I feel for you, but I wouldn't have written that another woman wrecked your marriage. Of the three of you, your husband is the one that broke his vows to you. Your anger is misdirected. I hope you heal and do not absorb his flaws as your own.
EFoster, Rockford, USA,
Olivia. Sad story but these are the sign o' the times. Society and attitudes have changed. ONS report in 2005 states that 50% of marriages end in divorce within 5 years. Cold hard facts. My girlfriend of 3 years left me for another man. Like my mother taught me, don't get mad, get stocks and bonds. Life goes on. I've simply put that relationship down to experience. Reckon I am 5 times wiser, 10 times richer and a 100 times happier. Best of luck
Abha, Edinburgh, Scotland
I am sad to hear this story, honestly...I have to remind you this; every adversity is an opportunity- depends if you are open- minded enough to see that...Your husband simply don't deserve you...May God Bless You...
Sunil, Edinburgh,
How shallow is your "friend" Olivia. She should gain real self
esteem from pursuing meaningful endeavors rather than the brief self esteem that comes from hopping into someone's bed.
As you rightfully say she gained a momentary false surge of confidence based on someone's false idea of her.
I'm sick of hearing of "unfulfilled" rich women who either can't count their blessings or who won't get off their "butt" and change their lives through service or study.
Jane, Bristol, USA
Garbage. Why are northern men so blunt and unimaginative? Italians and other Meds would simply keep the two women and enjoy them, without each finding about about the other, or do it the French way, what with the official maitresse, who everyone accepts and voilà , life goes on, that much the better for it. But no, Anglos have to go around making statements in each other's teeth.What a neurosis!
eugene, heidelberg, germany
George you are pathetic. To try to defend something that has no justification whatsoever! Marriage is a pact, a choice and a commitment, for both. Both will be tempted throughout our lives but we make a choice. We choose to stick together and try to make things better, to spice up life and to hold on through the most difficult times. As with most things in life, a bit of self control is needed. You can't indulge any time you want, not every wish of yours will be granted so why should this be different?? If then both of you come to the conclusion that there really is no way to be happy together, then yes, divorce, leaving each other with some dignity. Do you think only men are tempted?? No, it happens to a lot of women and it would be very easy to just forget about everything and indulge but we should all take a step back and show some respect. We only have to choose dignity.
Anne, London, UK
Statistically women are having as many affairs as men? Hmmm. Unless men are now leaving their wives in swathes for other men then chances are that this has always been the case. Two to tango etc. From my experience it's has in every single case been the women who has done then initial dirty - although on paper often the man takes the blame because it's easier than a bloody great fight with the ex and her lawyers (which he will be paying for). I feel for this lady, but y'know - if a relationship is going to work then it will. My wife left me for another bloke years ago and at the time I felt betrayed and bitter. Now in a second marriage and more experience I realise that it just was never going to work out and both she and I are happier. Unless you believe in the afterlive or re-incarnation then make sure that you are happy on this mortal plane. It would be truely miserable to hit dotage and look back at a wasted life. To Olivia I say "Move on". Get someone else and live your life.
Mark Chisholm, Dereham, UK
A man's perspective on this......they both got what they deserved (i.e frantic sex, followed by broken marriages and shattered homes). Unfortunately, their animal cravings have impacted on the spouses and children in both homes, too. . However, not all men fall into the same bracket; there are a lot of men around who CAN resist the urge to drop their trousers at the slightest temptation, and are mindful of their responsibilties. A man who can dump his newborn baby and young family for some 'action' is not worth moping over. Move on...you deserve better
arun mehta, Birmingham, UK
What an awful situation, I do hope you have a lovely time with your children this Christmas.
Please get a divorce, for your own sake. It will draw a line under the dreadful events, and hopefully help you to set your sights firmly on the future.
From your article it's obvious that there is a lot of love in your home: two great little kids and a loving mother. Concentrate on this, no one can take it away from you.
Sarah N., London, UK
Some women are just as predatory as men. Just because you've known someone for a long time doesn't make them a good person.
Men are susceptible to flattery and being chatted up but it helps to be aware. A so called friend of mine who is married to a successful but terminally boring man, made a heavy pass at my husband, Fortunately he turned her down but didn't tell me about it till lond afterwards. I had already noticed her chatting him up and him being mildly flattered. I got her on one side and gave it to her straight. Butt out, sister or you'll be looking for a good dentist. She is still having affairs and has broken up 2 marriages to my knowledge , but thankfully not mine.
The moral of this is to be aware and not complacent. Choose your friends carefully and always select grooms, nannies and other staff yourself!
Good luck, move on and you will find love again I'm sure - you sound lovely and it's your husband's loss.
carole chapman, corridonia, italy
Something similar happened to me, but then we were not married, but it had been a 2-yr relationship. I've been depressed for the past 3 months but after reading your story, I can only be thankful that it happened now, and not 14 years down the line.
I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel, but you sound strong (that you can even share your story shows strength). You should enjoy your life with your kids, go out, make new friends, join a book club, anything you fancy, but don't let their poor choice spoil life for you. You deserve to be happy!
Mina, London,
My story is almost the mirror image of yours. Three years ago, my ex wife, partner, lover, companion & friend of 20 years left me for her younger boss within 2 weeks of him opening his heart to her. She was my first love, I was hers.
In retrospection, I thought I was putting in lots of what I thought mattered, she wasn't really making an effort.
I did try to sail through the rough waters with love and understanding, my sentiment being that given the opinion I had of her, she would have seen through my love, rembered hers and weighted between the relative merits of a few hollow words and and a selfless partnership.
But people respond to incentives and, when blinded, to wishful thinking, and the prospect of certain affection didn't weight up to a promise of passion. Was I disappointed! She had holes in her life, I now have mine.
The difference bewteen me and you? I had to deal with it all on my own, in a foreign country. You can grieve in public. Oh! I have just done that, haven't I?
marco, london,
A. Quirk, Manchester: Bang On. You hit the nail on the head. The usual crackheads will always suggest that "men are just not built to be faithful". That's just an excuse for weak character.
Olivia, good luck getting through the most difficult adjustment. Just heap your love on those boys instead of an unworthy man.
charlie, los angeles, ca
These situations are always infinitely more complex than any format like a blog can address so without reference to this heartbreaking article, I would only add that I think our "have it all now culture" reinforced by the consumerism that we see everyday on the television, is taking us all down a path that is so far away from what is in our own interest.
JC, Milano, Italia
Monogamy is a tall order for even the most loving couples, more so these days when sex has outstripped all other aspects of a relationship and become an obsession. Young children, furthermore, who still today lean primarily and most heavily on their mother don't help at all. Although your husband behaved quite irresponsibly by leaving the family over an affair he might have lived quietly on the side until it blew over, I wager the experience of your break-up and the pain it brought you and the boys just might have helped him to grow up a bit. I sincerely hope he reads your article, reflects on what he has lost and makes a first move - and that you follow with understanding and compassion for what was undoubtedly a huge mistake. It will take some time to rebuild the trust, but with a lot of love, a renewed shared commitment to the family and masses of good will you CAN move forward. It worked for me: my husband and I have been together, nearly 45 years and most of them very happy.
Long in the tooth, London, England
Women walk out on their husbands too and men suffer just as much as women. It's nothing to do with the sex -it's to do with the individuals. Happened to me. What I regret most -now -many years later is that I behaved "well" at the time. But this is the season of Goodwill and one thing is for sure -don't forgive those who harmed you! You can never recover- coming to terms with things is just that.
E.Purgold, Newmarket, UK
Time is the healer.
Be thankful you have your children.
Keep stong.
Robert.
London
Robert, London,
You've been let down badly by 2 people - and it may be difficult to trust anyone to get close to you again. Men and women are capable of forgetting their responsibilities but the saddest part , I think is the that the childen have to live with the consequences. I'm not sure that it will work if you let him in your life again - it would take a huge amount of work and probably support as well. Marriage/relationshipsis are bloody hard work - and we all have a responsibility to make it work, when we have chosen to bring another life into this world. Don't be a victim - there are always two sides to any story.
Jennifer, Portsmouth, UK
I'd say something quite different from the other comments. Its not that his needs were not being met. Its only partly that she betrayed you. The fundamental problem is men and sex. What she offered was intense sexuality amplified by novelty and enforced abstinence. This is very tough for men to resist.
However, the answer is not to demand total fidelity for life. You can't force it, and most men can't give it. The answer is, there is no reason why an affair should end a good marriage. This is the fundamental error. You both believe in this crazed myth.
What to do is, reflect at length on this. When finally you really understand and feel that his affair is not necessarily a betrayal, any more than one nights bender is alcoholism, its just how men are sometimes, and what some women use, meet your husband, explain what you understand, and get back together.
The next time he needs an affair, pick the candidate yourself. Its a hell of a lot safer if you do than if he does.
George Johnson, London, England
Self pity won't help you. My mother died when I was 3 and my father was a stoker in the Navy during the war. My brother and I grew up alone going to a crap S. London school. I went to work before school did all the housework after school and then had to deal with a caring but harsh father. You have your children and they have you. You appear to be quite well off in many ways so just keep on and the future will take care of itself. Just don't waste your time on useless people like your ex and his bit-on-the-side and her stupid city friends.
Frederick, London, UK
I empathise so closely with you. The same thing happened to me last year, and I have spent the year initially raging and crying by turns, terrified of the future, keeping up an expensive home, and trying to be all things for my teenage son. Now one year on, I am proud of myself and what I've achieved, and so should you be. Believe in the future!
mira gupta, Delhi, india
Its hard enough to bring up very young children without being left holding, not just the one, but two babies. On top of that your closest loved ones have betrayed you.
Unfortunately when marriage breakdown is entwined with childbirth it scars you for life and makes it exceedingly difficult to fully trust anyone ever again.
Experience has taught me (I am nearly 60) that the repercussions of short term gratification sends painful ripples through families' lives for years to come.
I know it sounds funny, but make a 'new life plan', with plusses and minuses and a way forward will reveal itself.
Good luck to you.
Annie, Bath, UK
Ignore the unsympathetic comments - only people who have had it done to them can understand. Treat him with indifference if you can. Do whatever is best for the children as much as possible. You'll get better, and you'll still have your integrity and decency.
lester, salisbury,
Why not try the reverse ? Find some way to contact the banker. He sounds like a decent chap and you bet he's hurting, too. You could cheer him up as much as he could cheer you.
YA, reading,
Get ANGRY....& use it to move on.
There is no excuse to leave u in such a situation.
if they had been in love (for real) they could not have been so callous.... What man would want a woman who would allow him to leave his wife & new born child, I hope the sex is worth it because that is all they will be left with!
Jane., Warwickshire,
"Why wasn't his needs being met?" - Gill, Sevenoaks
You've got to be kidding me. He's an adult, he should have voiced any needs that he had that weren't met, and cut his pregnant wife some slack, instead of upping and leaving his young child, unborn child, partner of 20 years for some instant gratification. People need to learn some responsibility.
Jo, Surrey,
I think everyone faces at various important times the hard choice between duty and passion. On a whole, most of us don't know how we'll decide until we're faced with the choice. Your husband choose poorly and hurt others because he formed relationships based on duty and then rejected them for passion. He is probably wondering why he cannot find the joy of duty anymore. I hope your duties will reward you with the true and lasting passions.
Dennis, Birmingham
Dennis Sansom, Birmingham, USA Alabama
The idea that men stray because their "needs aren't being met" is simply blaming the victim. Men stray because men stray. And men leave their young children because of a character fault - they simply aren't up to the task.
Time will heal this...focus on the children and in finding happiness in them and in yourself. And when all is humming along, life will surprise you, and your inner joy will attract someone whose character is deserving of your love and loyalty.
Chin up!
Nancy, Toronto, Canada
Unfortunately, too few men or women have the emotional maturity to realise that initial sexual passion coupled with total adoration is always short term. It is certainly not a satisfactory swap for the trust, love, respect of your partner and the loss of your home and family. In our culture 'falling in love' is treated like the holy grail, rather than the temporary lack of sanity that it normally is.
Good luck on bringing up your two boys. Getting over something like this takes years, and you have done very well keeping it together so soon after the birth of your little one. You will always command their love and respect. I would rather be you than your husband /your ex-best friend anyday, despite the huge pain you have gone through.
Louise, London,
The ones who leave or steal think there is a hole in their lives that needs filling by someone else. They never betray until a replacement is lined up.
But that hole will always be there in their soul; it's a character weakness, a neediness, a lack of self-esteem that can only be filled by new people telling them how wonderful they are.
Truly confident, worthwhile happy people know when important life decisions have been made, when others depend and trust them for their safety and sanity, and do not break that trust because they would despise themselves. That loyalty defines them, they do exist, even if they seem unexciting at first sight.
Your ex has shown he is not worthy of your's or any other's trust. He has abandoned all that he should protect and nurture. Freedom? Love? Lust? Just plain irresponsibility. And once committed, the next betrayal will come easier.
Even if once loved, cheaters are bad for your health. It will get better. It's money and security you need.
A.Quirk, Manchester,
I know who you are and you are probably the nicest, kindest person I have ever met and did not deserve this! I just know you are going to meet someone else who will give you and your 2 lovely boys all the love you deserve in the world. Keep strong. xxx
Jennifer, Edinburgh,
My heart goes out to you, Olivia. It's a cruel situation you find yourself in. Keep on keeping on!
David L, Leeds, UK,
some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield (windscreen) . . .
Jacks Kerouwack, Los Angeles,
Your husband cheated where is the angst that should be directed at HIM?
What about looking inwards. Why wasn't his needs being met?
At least he told you. He did you a favour.
gill, sevenoaks,
So so very sorry...
There's an irony about your article sitting next to the advert for illictencounters.com...What is becomming of us?
What a strong. wonderful mother you are.
Sarah, St Albans, UK
Beautifully written. Noone knows why these things happen, and there are some lucky people who manage to put the pieces back together, but everything happens for a reason and you deserve better.
Natasha Michael, Nicosia, Cyprus
I feel you pain. Your husband should have been a proper man and accepted that he had made a committment to you. How unjust could he be given that you had spent a lot of time building a family together. The grass is always greener on the other side, that is a rule of life.
I am a practising Muslim who has had exposure to different opportunities but my relationship with God helps me to fulfil my responsibilities. I would never, god willing, leave my family for the love of another woman - it would create too much havoc in society for such a selfish pursuit.
Islam teaches that we worship God, not our desires. Unfortunately in our society we have people who dont care about the consequences of their actions - i find it strange that we can have people prosecuted for causing emotional trauma at work but nothing can be done when spouses traumatise each other.
I wish you all the best and hope that you recieve enlightenment and a man who will treat you with respect, dignity and honour
CompassionateOne, London,