MR ANGRY

My second husband can be a lovely man most of the time, but every few weeks or so, he turns into an arrogant, selfish, chauvinistic, nit-picking, ignorant and overbearing pig. What is the etiquette for dealing with such a person? Do I ignore his constant criticism of every single thing I do? (Very difficult.) Deliberately wind him up and see how long it is until he has a heart attack, and enjoy his life insurance? Or wait until he has gone to his “oh-so much more important job”, change the locks and file for divorce?

HT, Saltash

PS. If you do publish a response to this, please can you tell him that nobody took his Capri-Sun.

As this is your second marriage, I’d have thought you would know by now that you have to work at these things. Nothing comes easily, but all the effort you put in will be rewarded. So the question you need to direct your energies into answering is: which is going to be worth more — his life insurance or the amount he will have to pay in maintenance after divorce? If he gets worked up over a carton of fruit juice, then you shouldn’t have too much trouble inducing a heart attack. Hiding his car keys just before he heads out of the door always works well, particularly if you can slip them back into the first place he looked half an hour later. Should that fail, you can always try arranging for two Irishmen with a bucket of tar to be discovered resurfacing your drive when he returns home. If you have ever wondered what apoplexy is, this is a good way to find out.

ROUGH OR SMOOTH?

I am seeing a really attractive (seriously, really attractive) lady friend, whom I am so terribly in love with. The problem is that she likes stubble on my face. She hates it when I shave. My father, however, thinks I look awful when I don’t shave. He says I look like a tramp. I can’t please both of them, so what should I do?

RW, Norfolk

Do you want to have sex with your father? Stubble it is then.

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