Suzi Godson
About five o'clock on most Friday afternoons, happily married men all over
Britain call their wives and tell them that they still have a few things to
finish at the office.
They indulge in a couple of minutes of routine chit-chat “Had a nice day?” or
“Kids all right?” and then they mention, casually, that there is a chance
they might go for a quick beer with the guys after work. The woman knows the
score. She sighs and says “OK”. Her husband gushes a heartfelt “I love you”
and then he hangs up, victorious.
These conversations are, to some degree, a mutual conspiracy because the wife
realises from the start that the entire exchange is a ploy for her husband
to get a pass out for the evening. It is not unreasonable. He needs to let
off some steam and she knows that he will come home pissed, penitent and a
little more patient with the children, so she plays along.
What she doesn't know, or doesn't want to consider, is the fact that all over
Britain on a Friday afternoon, single working women are in the office loos
putting on their make-up so that they can look hot when they join the guys
in the pub after work.
Of course they know who is and isn't available, but those pub glasses of
chardonnay are enormous and, after a pint of wine, it gets easier to believe
that “he wouldn't be in the pub chatting to me every Friday night if he was
really happily married, would he?”
British people work the longest hours in Europe, which means that if you don't
include the hours spent sleeping, couples often spend more time with the
people in their office with than they
do with each other. Toss in Friday night at the pub and men like you are
channelling the vast majority of your energy into secondary relationships -
at the expense of your wife and family.
It's common knowledge that affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone
you spend a lot of time with - colleagues, clients, confidantes, that kind
of thing. Assigning any kind of sexual fantasy to young women that you work
with or see regularly doesn't bode well for your marriage.
You may think that you are simply getting a thrill out of the fact that you
can wind them up and reel them in, but seduction is not a game.
Invest enough time and energy in any “we're just good friends” relationship
outside your marriage, liberally drench it with alcohol, and sex becomes
less of a possibility and more of a probability.
Good marriages are based on trust. It is faith in fidelity that allows married
men and women to give each other unconditional independence and, although
you are not technically cheating on your wife, the fact that you could not
dream of sharing this revelation with her suggests that you know she would
feel threatened by it.
Being in a relationship doesn't stop a man finding other women attractive, but
a man who really values his partner is usually smart enough to give
temptation a wide berth. On a Friday night he goes home instead of going to
the pub, and the next morning he wakes up with a clear head and a clean
conscience next to the one he loves.
Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, $16.99) and The Body
Bible (Penguin, £16.99)
Dr Thomas Stuttaford
A generation ago we were brought up to believe that men were promiscuous by
nature, ready at all times to hand on their genes by mating with any
available woman. As a result, they were assumed to behave as lascivious
brutes if they were given any encouragement, even if it was only the sight
of a pretty girl.
They were not blamed for this characteristic; it was thought to be an animal
urge that they had to fight to resist. After all, it was only swans who
mated for life and were thereafter forever faithful. But a pair of swans
that lived on a nearby mill pond when I was younger taught me that all male
swans certainly didn't pine to death if their mate died. When our male swan
was left alone, he found another partner almost immediately.
People of my age were also programmed to believe that it was a woman's destiny
to look after the house and care for children, an opinion that, I admit, was
based on fast-disappearing stereotypes and dated mores.
Even so, the differences in sexual drive between men and women can be
explained. Many stem, for instance, from how women are brought up, and a
justified fear of pregnancy, especially in the days before the Pill.
But it is no longer accepted that nature kits out all women with the necessary
hormones and mindsets to give them a romantic approach to life that leads to
marriage, monogamy and happiness. But neither are all men born sinners.
A French patient described behaviour just like yours and told me that he
couldn't understand why this was considered a problem in Britain. In the
Gallic world if a man did not look at and assess other women he was
considered to be “dead or dying”. He also suggested that there was a big
difference between window-shopping and being a spendthrift who wanted to buy
everything on view.
He told me that he and, apparently, his fellow countrymen were surprised that
men and women in London didn't size each other up as they did in Paris. The
only question was whether British men were more spiritually inclined than
those in France, or had less testosterone!
If most women are not as obsessed by how men look as the other way around, it
is not entirely because they are scheduled to become enthusiastic mothers
and home- makers. Sometimes it is because women are not as visual as men
when assessing possible partners.
Although smell is less important in human beings than in most animals for
seduction, the balance of visual and olfactory stimulation is different
between the sexes.
Women are more influenced by other factors. They need to know more about a man
than surreptitious glances at his biceps, chest and hips reveal. Will he be
sensitive, reliable and a good provider? As they are less visual, women find
it hard to understand why men are so influenced by looks. You are normal, if
indiscreet.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a
genitourinary clinic
When I am driving the car with my wife alongside and an attractive woman comes into view, my wife glances right to see if I am looking at the attractive woman. I glance left, to show my wife that she is the more attractive woman!
When I am driving alone it is very different.
john f, aylesbury,
First thing I do when I see a woman is sizing her up for sexual attractiveness. Unfortunately there aren't that many of them unless you've had a couple of drinks
Love my wife, and would hate myslef for hurting her, so I only cheat when I go to Brazil. I hope we have an un-spoken understanding ...
N.M., Amsterdam, Netherlands
Er, what about all the women in relationships who do the same thing? I''ve rung my boyfriend to tell him I'm "working late" when I've been off to the wine bar with workmates. And whether I'm single or attached, I always check out anything attractive - male or female - that crosses my path.
Charlie, London,
Like they say out of sight, out of mind. If I don't see someone I like as much as I want to, then I will try to cheer myself up by focusing on my ''surroundings'' which are more than obliging and it's all a bit of fun. I'm still young & dont need to act like a nun and shun all attention altogether
Dannyella scruffs, london, UK
But, then again, that might just be the whole point of said exercise, don't you think?
Gail, Cork,
Women, quotha? And cakes, drinks, cars, clothes etc. If only one could indulge in imbibing all one wants, without considering the consecuences, what me worry, enjoy, like; it wont be long before the whole organism in question implodes in one big dull bang.
Gail, Cork,
Poor Beggar, perfectly healthy and normal [and you don't even admit anything more than 'wishing'!] Yet you're guilt-ridden! I'm 70, and still admire a good looking lady - but the chances? They stay in my imagination, bolstered by many very pleasant memories! Save the memories for your old age!
S. Barraclough, Huddersfield, W. Yorkshire
A great friend once told me, "It's doesn't matter where you get your appetite from, as long as you go home to eat." Wise words in my opinion.
Mark, Suffolk, England
Perfectly healthy. Generally speaking, though, women in the UK don't like us enjoying the female form or anything else for that matter.
Jack, London,
I guess that ogling is attached to lust, but enjoying beauty is more an aesthetic value. Many women set themselves up as walking beauty sculptures and would perhaps be disappointed if deliberately ignored. But, all this is distracting in context of professions and unfair if seeking job promotion.
Colin, Carmarthen, United Kingdom
I am married to a beautiful Chinese lady and, if I'm not with her, I don't mind if a man "oggles" her, I understand, that's why I love her, but don't, for crying out loud, do it obviously when I'm with her, or heads will roll. If they can't show restraint, go and buy a magazine !!!
Colin, chongqing, China
I'm a workingwoman with a job involving travel, and my husband is self-employed who works from home.I tend to run into working men while he only gets the see the postman,milkman & jehovah's witnesses who turn up at the door. He's become jealous and accused me of being flirty,I'm unsure of what to do
Dan Duffher, london, UK
I spend all my time thinking about women. Seems normal to me.
It maybe be that the British spend more time at the workplace than the Europeans. But more time at work does not equate to higher productivity.
Bob Travels, Stevenage,
Hi, Interesting (hu)Man interest article for an Indian. In New Delhi where I live & work, I don't think it is any sin to look at beautiful women even for married men, in fact, ours is a country of ogglers, I guess. Scores of foreigners have complained to this fact.Social mores are changing fast here
Pritam Sinha, New Delhi, India
Yes, he's normal, what is there to analyse?
As the joke goes, "God made women pretty so men would find them attractive. He also made them stupid so they'd be attracted to men!"
All women are attractive in different ways, not just by looks, but personality, humour, demeanour, spirit etc. etc.
Terry, Bagneres, France
Hmm. Man gets drunk and fancies women. Well, duh!
Allan Thompson, Surbiton, UK
The older I get the more exceptional I seem. Whenever I am with someone to whom I am attracted, they naturally (without any effort on my part) become the only person in the room.
Strangely, this chivalrous quirk in my character doesn't actually seem to be attractive to women, as I am still single!
Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK
Women feel exactly the the same, believe me , they are less likely to gawk like juvenile men.
The looks , the smell of a man have all the same attractions for a women, but eye contact is the clincher I think, if a man looks you in the eye & gives you 'all' his attention, enjoy & leave it at that.
maggie millington, brittany, france
My wife and I have been married for 30 years but she tells me if a man looks hot and doesnt mind if I admire good looking women. We are faithfull to each other but don't pretend that we are unaware of life. Come on - you're a long time dead.
John Stobart, Oakham, Rutland, UK
I guess this is why women wear burka's in islamic culture. A complete cover up serves as a physical barrier against would be playful men. It would certainly put the dampers on errant lust if full burka became generally popular amongst UK women. Just a daft suggestion.
Colin, Cambridge, United Kingdom
if only people put as much effort into their marriages as they do whilst having affairs or flirting with others I think a lot of people would be a whole lot happier.
louise, liverpool, u.k.
Only animals lust over other mates, we're humans, learn to suppress your urges and be content with your wife
Stan, Los Angeles,
I think this is what you call normal!
william thomson, lincoln, uk
I think its absolutely normal to be attracted to other women/men when in a relationship. I'm in a relationship but that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to anyone else.
You just have to make sure you control what situations you're putting yourself in. It's easy to make mistakes when you're drinking!
Christina, Oxford, USA
Hmmm...
My wife and I have been happily married 40 years. During that time we have always looked at others, but to my knowledge have never strayed.
Looking at others does not hurt one bit.
Both of us have a policy - look at the menu all you want, as long as you dine at home.
Dakota, Lake Stevens, WA, USA
In my opinion its entirely normal to 'look' at another woman and consider her sexually, looking and acting on it are different things. I would feel sorry for any man who doesn't admire/fancy other woman, as there is something definitely lacking. It happens in the rest of the world,are you different?
John, Manchester,