Shane Watson
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In case you missed it, Kate Moss has broken up with Jamie Hince, the guitarist in the Kills. This wouldn’t be particularly noteworthy were it not for a couple of significant details. One, Kate has been spotted crying (Kate doesn’t do public tears, so this suggests that she might actually want a relationship that lasts more than a fashion season). Two, she is alleged to have put together a "lust list" of potential new partners. I think you know what’s coming: the list reads like every music promoter’s dream and every mother’s nightmare. All of the names featured could be described as very bad boys (the most suitable is newly divorced Jackass star Johnny Knoxville), and every one of them would rather die than be caught smiling in a photograph.
We sympathise. Which of us hasn’t been carried away by the charms of a moody, thrill-seeking narcissist? But there comes a time when a woman has to put aside teenage habits, look around and think . . . Can I really do another Glastonbury, arm in arm with a spotty youth wearing three kinds of scarf and clutching a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, or could I do better? Fortunately, there is a formula for addressing the bad-boy rut. So, Kate, if you want to find the right man, just say no to the following:
* Music producers, presenters, members of bands, and so on. Yes, it’s fun to have a song written for you, but this lot are mainly in love with themselves (it just goes with the territory), and the lifestyle plays havoc with your skin.
* Actors. On the whole, they are insecure and high-maintenance. Ditto comedians. Johnny Depp was fab, admittedly, and probably your finest hour, but he is a one-off (and you wouldn’t have been up for the "boho French maman" role).
* Non-Brits. You need irony, silliness and a bit of decadence to keep you amused, all of which are in plentiful supply here, less so abroad. Yes, Knoxville is crazy, but in a macho, jock way.
* Models, obviously. At least you haven’t made that mistake yet.
* Men introduced to you by Marc Jacobs, or his boyfriend, or anyone in fashion. (It’s a rule that any man who hangs out on the fashion scene is either gay or only there for the girls — so dodgy. Though, at a push, a photographer could work.)
* Millionaire aristos. Money, yes; money and title, no. Inherited wealth is worse for the personality than drugs. That said, we can see you in a very big house in the country. (Anyone from Blur left unattached?)
* Civilians. Unfortunately, you need a bloke who is used to the limelight, up to a point, or he won’t be able to hack the attention that comes with being Mr Kate Moss. Find someone middle-division — worldly enough to get it, but not so starry he has his own paparazzi cloud. I’m thinking Jamie Oliver entry level.
* Anyone who hangs out with Rhys Ifans. Please. Standards.
* Sporting heroes. You as a Wag? Ha ha.
* Anyone younger than you. Give up the boys. Try a man — it could work!
Well, nobody said it was going to be easy.
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Oh dear Clive - well if you will spend all your time hanging around outside dodgy bars and clubs in various cities, those are the types of girls you'll meet. Here's a tip - the majority of the female population are somewhere else, avoiding guys like you!
Gemma, Burton-on-Trent,
A lot of generalisations written previously. Both sexes, from all persuations, from all countries have various types of character..drunks, gentlemen, cheats and godesses. And that's what makes it interesting. And for Kate, she will, eventually, learn from her mistakes. Or get a dog.
Adam, Stockholm, Sweden
Right, I've exhausted most of those options, do I give up now?
Tamara, London,
I think you forgot one Shane, journalists.
Nicola, London,
There's nothing sexier than a bad boy, the unpredictability
Anna Murray, London, UK
So Shane, are ALL gay men dodgy? I think we must be told.
GarryW, London,
What a depressing load of generalised tosh you commentors.
How about Kate just picks someone pleasant who she can work hard at a relationship with? Selflessly, with mutual understanding, effort and the investment of time and love?
Nah. Stupid of me; how could that ever work?
Chris, Derby,
I think she should keep well away from any of the Rolling Stones too.
Charles, London,
Just don't go near a man. They're not worth the trouble and pain
Harriet, London,
Kat, I don't think the writer is suggesting that you try all of the above males yourself!
If I had, I would keep that sort of thing to myself. ;)
Paul, Takatsuki-shi, Japan
Why bother looking dear, get a dog.
Betty, 89, from Hampshire.
Betty, Farnborough, Hampshire
Kate Moss doesn't need a man so why should she go for someone that doesn't do it for her? She is an independent woman and can afford to do it all on her own if need be.
Jo, Manchester, England
Sven, Leeds - there's nothing like a good old generalisation, is there?! That is, of course, EXACTLY what ALL British men are like. Oh yes. Good point.
Nicola, Somerset, UK
'History repeats itself first as tragedy then as farce' - it will take more than a 'lust list' to break the cycle. How about some self awareness ?
Jon , North West, UK
What depressingly stereotyped comments. Sve, believe it or not there ARE British men who are able to control their drink (speaking of which, if you're from Sweden then it's a case of pot:kettle), don't get into fights, are charming, witty, intelligent and modest. Just like me, for instance.
Ben Griffiths, London, UK
I find it funny that of all the issues posed, everyone seems to be particularly keen to leap on the 'non-Brits' aspect. And of course resort to the third-rate stereotypes. Well done chaps.
Stu, Leicester,
I'm free next Friday, or could easily become so. But I'll bet £1 to the RNLI this sin't published!
Andrew Fanner, Cowplain, UK
How about a psychotherapist? You would have two in one. I'm just not sure what the psychological society would say about it.
Petr, Brighton,
But then are the girls any different in the UK, go around most city's and towns at the weekend and they are just has good has the boys in drinking, vomiting and fighting.
Clive, Dartford, Kent
Perhaps if Kate Moss got her own house in order first, she might be in a more suitable position to conduct and hold down a serious relationship with a more genuine person than she is currently used to. Quite frankly my partner says he cant see the attraction, thin as a rake and looks drugged up!
debbie, Leics, UK
Very funny, non-Brits. All English girls that I know prefer continentals. Maybe that has to do with the fact that we got style, can behave, tend not vomit and fight between 2 and 3 on a Saturday morning, are less obese and more caring. How about that?
Sven, Leeds, UK
British men are ghastly to date. They lack straight-forwardness (they call it 'modesty') and a personality and have social anxiety from hell. Give me a happy American over a depressed Brit with an 'ironic' sense of humour any day. Stop trying to be clever all the time and start enjoying life....
Michelle, Beijing, China
Non-Brits does not automatically mean "American".
Anyway, date a girl. Much more fun.
starling, Lancaster, UK
Obvious amswer girls: Date an 'alpha male'. No matter how stupid greedy and arrogant they are the taxpayers (hard working responsible males) will always bail them out and keep you in luxury. Just don't expect any fidelity.
Eric Skelton, Cardiff, Wales
In my many years on the dating scene, I've found that singers tend to be very spontaneous, millionaires to take you to the most exotic places, sporting heroes to be energetic elsewhere (you know where), young boys make you feel their age and non-Brits have the greatest personalities and culture.
Kat, St Albans, UK