My boyfriend recently asked me to move out of our flat, which he owns,
saying he wanted some space to work through the problems in our relationship
and to escape the fierce arguments that had become common. I rented out my
flat to move in with him, but the tenant still has six months left on the
contract, so I’ve been forced to move into a shared house with strangers. My
boyfriend insists that I am the love of his life, and has asked me to stay
with him while we try to sort out our relationship, but he believes we
cannot do that while we are living in the same house. My parents and some of
my friends are saying he has been disgustingly inconsiderate in throwing me
out just so he can have the luxury of “space”. I still love him and, while I
was not unfaithful or dishonest, I can see that many of our arguments were
my fault. Should I wait around and try to persuade my boyfriend that we can
live together again? Or should I write him off as a selfish man and move on
with my life?
It does sound pretty rough, being kicked out of your own home, but let’s try
to look at what your boyfriend is actually saying. Parents and friends
accuse him of being “disgustingly inconsiderate” — an emotional, knee-jerk
response that is not terribly helpful. Righteous indignation may be
understandable and even momentarily satisfying, but it’s also pointless and
destructive. It’s all too easy to storm off in a fit of rage. It’s far
harder to stay put and examine the situation from every angle — rather than
from the blinkered viewpoint of an angry and defensive heart.
So, you need a cool head and an honest heart. Let’s look at your behaviour
first, because it seems to me that one’s own self is always the best place
to start. I wonder why there were so many fierce arguments? You don’t say,
although you do recognise that many of them were your fault. That’s
undoubtedly the first step in repairing the relationship, but a more
profound second step would be to work out the triggers that provoked those
arguments in the first place. Was it insecurity that made you lash out? Does
he make you feel neglected or jealous in some way; and, if so, how? Often
the triggers to arguments are found in our own emotional make-up and, truly,
have little to do with the people who provoke them.
We make assumptions about other people all the time. We act as if we are
clairvoyant about their minds and hearts, when we have no idea what they are
really thinking or feeling. We also expect them to be clairvoyant about us.
We may, for example, react angrily when what we’re really feeling is
abandoned, neglected or overlooked. All they see is our anger, not our
sadness. In turn, they react angrily too, and all good, loving communication
is lost.
We forget to tell the people we love how we really feel. We feel that the love
of our life should mysteriously know exactly how we feel, and are upset when
(surprise, surprise) they don’t, because we haven’t actually told them.
It seems to me that your boyfriend is trying to get past the miscommunication
and drama of the past few months and impose some cool space to save the
relationship. He’s certainly managed to get your attention. Distance has
forced you to look more clearly at what’s been going wrong. At the same
time, the message he is giving you is loving and positive. You are the love
of his life. He would like the relationship to work. He wants you to look at
the problems together so that you can move forward — together.
What he hasn’t done is end it in a fit of rage and angry words, though he was
desperate enough to suggest a radical solution. It might seem unfair that he
has stayed in the flat and asked you to leave. Was there another practical
answer? Could he have afforded to leave, rent somewhere else and pay for his
property, or should he have asked you to stay and pay? What would have been
the fairest and most workable solution?
Perhaps you think he should have tried to sort things out with the two of you
living under the same roof. Perhaps he did, and it provoked angry responses
from you, and yet more arguments? Perhaps this was the only way he could
think of to make you stop shouting and think?
I’m not sure he has been selfish, although I agree that, at first glance, it
looks that way. I think he has been clear. That cold clarity has certainly
focused your mind. So, now he’s been clear, what about you? Do you want the
relationship to work? Is he the love of your life? Are you prepared to tell
him how you feel when you’re upset, rather than provoking an argument? If
aspects of his behaviour upset you, can you tell him without blame or shame?
Can he tell you? In a nutshell, are you both prepared to be truly intimate?
It may sound as if I’m saying that the fault is all yours. Actually, I’m
saying the opposite. I think it’s entirely in your power to make this
relationship work. He may have asked you to leave, but he’s left the door
wide open. It’s up to you whether you want to step back through it and join
him.
If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk.
In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally
cannot answer letters personally
If a man asks a lover to move out it is over, move on. He is a coward for not admitting it is over, but men are afraid of the truth.
rosemary, aspen, co