My boyfriend ended our ‘very full-on’ relationship by phone after a minor argument. I sent him a letter, but got no reply. I find it difficult to move on, not only because I know I would be fortunate to share something as good again, but also because I never had a real explanation for his decision. During our last conversation, he said he didn’t make me happy, I deserved better and he needed to sort himself out — which may have been a way of saying he no longer loved me. As the weeks went by, he didn’t check to see how I was, which I found cowardly and callous. I gave in and sent a text, and he responded with many questions. I kept my reply polite, but resented the fact it was only when I made the first move that he asked me questions he should have asked months ago. Since then, texts have become flirty, always initiated by him. On my birthday, he sent chocolates and a card, and told me (by text) how precious I’ll always be to him. I’m fed up with this pointless texting. How should I finally get over him?

I wish I could print your letter in full, as well as the letter you sent to your ex (which you forwarded to me). Perhaps if you could see them in black and white, you might see that it is not just your boyfriend who is sending out mixed messages. Your letters are filled with such painful need and chilly, self-righteous anger that most people would have run a mile.

No wonder he didn’t respond to your letter. I’m sure you felt you were justified in punishing him, but when it comes to matters of the heart, resentment never wins the day. I’m also sure the wait for his reply must have been terrible. So, eventually, you sent him a text and got involved in a deathly game of cat and mouse. If you really want to resolve the relationship, either by giving it a second chance or by getting some proper closure, you need to stop hiding, pick up the phone and say: “I don’t understand what went wrong. Can we talk?”

Better still, arrange to meet him. You need to do this face to face. You could also say: “I love you and I miss you.” What’s wrong with that? It’s pretty obvious it’s what you feel. It sounds as if it’s what he feels, too. You both need to use open, honest communication and stop the barrage of electronic ticker tape. Yes, texts are pointless. Worse than that, they’re emotionally avoidant behaviour (on both your parts). I hate texts, and I mean I really hate them. They may be fine for making plans to meet up with friends or reminding somebody to grab a pint of milk on the way home, but as a means of communicating emotion, they are a disaster.

Here’s an example. You send your ex-boyfriend a text after six months of silence. He sends one back, thinking you are keen and happy to get in contact. You text back, this time with cold politeness. The subtext (literally) is that you are furious he has not asked you “questions he should have asked months ago”. He doesn’t know that. He knows only that you got in contact with him.

Can you see the mixed messages? With one hand, you’re holding out a welcome, but with the other, you’re delivering a cold, resentful slap. You need to decide what you want from him. You certainly do sound hard to please. Now that you’ve got him sending cards and chocolates, and telling you how precious you are to him, instead of being grateful, you’re behaving as if he has insulted you.

I guess you want to make him suffer, but, really, what’s the point? If you love him, give him a hug; if you don’t, let him go. Love and punishment don’t go together. Has that always been the pattern of your relationship? Something in your tone implies that you think he owes you — and not just an explanation about the break-up. Perhaps when he said he couldn’t make you happy and that you deserved better, he was trying to tell you that you made him feel as though he was never good enough. Perhaps he gave up trying — although he is obviously still attached to you, or he would not have responded to your texts, again and again.

If you really want to resolve this (and you’ve written to me twice now, so I am guessing you do), you have to stop laying all the blame on him and look at your own behaviour. You say that you’re fed up with all this “pointless texting”, but I notice you haven’t had the courage to pick up the phone yourself.

I know it’s hard to say how we feel, but isn’t it harder to suffer like this? If you want an explanation for his decision to end the relationship, you should ask him. If you want to get over him and move on, tell him you made a mistake and you want to stop all contact. And if you love him, tell him. Stop hiding behind letters and texts, and speak up. It’s amazing what miracles a little love and honesty can achieve.

If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names willbe withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer every letter personally

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