I left my wife and children for another woman and we got married 18 months
ago. But since then, we have had a lot of family issues – we have five kids
from previous relationships, all between the ages of five and 11. I left her
a month ago in the hope of being with my children, and I’ve been hanging
around with them and my ex-wife. But I miss my current wife. I truly love
her with all my heart, no question – we have the best adult relationship
when we are alone. I don’t know what to do: do I stay with my children and
the woman I don’t love as much, or go back to the woman I completely love,
but with the kid issues? My children now hope that their mum and I will get
together again, and they will be devastated if I don’t come back. I don’t
want to hurt them again. Believe me, I would do anything for my kids – I
would die for them. But when they are grown up, I want to be with my current
wife. I have dug a hole, and no matter which way I go, someone will get
hurt.
I don’t usually feel cross with people, but right now I do. Selfishness, when
it comes to children, makes me very cross indeed. Children have no power.
They are forced to endure the choices that adults make. The only power they
have is in making their feelings plain, so perhaps it is not surprising that
your stepchildren are playing up.
They did not choose you to be their stepfather. You chose that role. With
choice comes responsibility. It was up to you to choose whether to fight
with them or to act like an adult and show patience and understanding in the
face of their distress. Instead, you chose to leave.
Worse, you went back to the children whose lives you had already disrupted,
confusing and hurting them even more. And you say you would do anything for
your kids. I hope you mean that, but your letter is entirely about your own
feelings. At no point do you mention how anybody else might feel.
I suspect that you’ve run back to your own children because they give you the
unquestioning devotion that young children are biologically programmed to
give – no matter how appallingly their parents behave – and it makes you
feel important and wanted. It’s just your protestations don’t ring true. “I
would die for them,” you say. If that’s the case, I wonder why you put your
own feelings first when you left.
Obviously, your stepchildren don’t offer you unconditional love. You’re not
their father, but a man who doesn’t want them. I dread to think how they are
feeling now. It’s one thing for kids to kick up a fuss, it’s quite another
to be left feeling responsible and guilty. Then there’s the emotional and
financial mess you’ve no doubt left their mother in, and which they will
have to help mop up.
As to the feelings of the women involved, words fail me. If your ex-wife is
prepared to take you back, then for the sake of your children and
stepchildren, you might consider staying. Perhaps your stepchildren are
better off without you. Even if you haven’t told them you would prefer it if
they weren’t around, kids have a sixth sense. They will know instinctively
that the only thing you care about is the “adult relationship” you have when
you’re alone with their mother. Well, guess what? There is nothing “adult”
about a relationship based on fantasy. The reality is that your new wife has
three kids and you knew that, not only when you got together, but also when
you promised, “for better, for worse”.
As to your own kids, if you do stay, you have to learn to put them first, and
their mother, too, whom you “don’t love as much”. Poor woman; I just hope
she doesn’t know. It’s up to you not only to make sure that she doesn’t, but
to make her feel wanted and safe. How that can happen, after your past
behaviour, I cannot imagine.
As to how your present wife is feeling, I cannot bear to think, but as you are
not prepared to engage with her kids, she doesn’t really have the option of
a future with you.
What is needed now is clarity. Decide what you are going to do and stick to
it. If you go back and forth, the children will learn that nobody and
nothing is to be trusted. They will never feel emotionally safe, and if they
don’t feel safe as children, how can they learn who to trust and how to have
good relationships? Your erratic behaviour is setting them up for potential
future misery.
All you can do now is try to undo the damage you have done. How you personally
feel about anything, including your new wife, is irrelevant. Just don’t keep
her dangling, or allow her to fantasise about what you two will be doing in
10 years’ time. It is unbearably cruel to make somebody live in the future
and waste their life in anticipation. Be clear and be kind. Don’t make false
promises. You have messed up the lives of seven people. The least you can do
is tell the truth.
If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk.
In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally
cannot answer letters personally
IM SICK!!!!!! to the point of vomitting at the state of relationships in the world today. Im even more sickened when someone says "you can't stay in a relationship just for your kids" this world is so twisted out of shape its almost hopeless. i said almost. if you cant get along with your spouse, if your not happy, if you think you found someone else...TOUGH!!! if you have children then that's the only reason you should stay together. youve had your chance at life and you screwed it up. don't take your children down with you. don't ruin their life because you dont know how to run yours. they deserve a family. they deserve a mom and dad thats together. so what they see a little reluctance or strife between you. thats a whole site better than busting up their world because you are disfunctional. do something right for a change and think of the children. put them first instead of yourself for once.
Darrin Long, belmont, north carolina, U.S.
I agree with Caroline, the man does not need to be censured. If he and his ex-wife put children first, upon the breakdown of their marriage, they should have explained the situation to the children and continue to care for them together (joint-custody). The fact that he 'left' the children and ex-wife implies he was faced with a 'you are with us or against us' type of situation, which is immature. The man should stay with his ex-wife and children only if he is prepared to give it a 100%. Otherwise he might be unhappy and his children will notice sooner or later that he is staying with reluctance.
Katie, London,
Sally is absolutely right with her advice and I wonder if this man has been getting away with his appalling behaviour because he has been attaching himself to women like Caroline, who can't see past the temporary remorse, to the starkly self-serving nature of his actions.
It seems the last thing this man needs is sympathy. It will only encourage him to think about his own feelings, not others. How much empathy has he been showing to the poor souls around him so far? None, it seems, not to his children or his first wife when he left them or his second wife, or her children.
If he is reading this I really hope that he understands how much influence he is exerting over the impressionable kids and how much confusion he must be causing them. I hope he puts them first.
I hope that, with or without him, they grow to be confident adults who are able to sustain healthy relationships and stand up for themselves.
Jules, St Albans, Herts
I have had to mop up after a man put his feelings above those of everyone else and it is not pretty. I agree with Sally, the stepchildren are better off without him and I hope the first wife asserts herself too.
Julie, Lincolnshire,
You say "your letter is entirely about your own feelings. At no point do you mention how anybody else might feel". I'm sorry I totally disagree: I think you have been incredibly harsh on this man. He writes with acute pain of his own children's devastation when his first marriage failed, and this is clearly the issue for him. His overwhelming problem is that he can't bear to hurt them again, and is even considering going back to his ex-wife for their sake, even though he no longer loves her. How can that be at all selfish? To think of leaving the person you truly love to go back to a loveless marriage for the sake of your children has to be one of the most unselfish acts anyone (man or woman) can do. I bet you wouldn't be so hard on a woman for doing that (and I speak as a woman)! I'm sorry but I think you need to have a little more empathy with this man and show him some kindness, not berate him for the pain he is clearly going through to decide if he should do exactly as you advise.
Caroline, London, UK