My stepdaughter and her boyfriend came to see my wife and me to announce their engagement and ask our permission. We were delighted, but her father has always said that he wants to walk her down the aisle. He has contributed nothing emotionally or financially to her upbringing. We have done that (me for the past 21 years) and put her through private school and university at some sacrifice. She appreciates that. However, her father always plays the emotional-blackmail card. He is one of life’s wasters, becoming voluntarily unemployed when my wife left him — his meal ticket had disappeared. Our daughter is certain he will want to give her away, but she has not yet told him of the engagement. She asked if I would be upset. I’m not going to spoil the day, so I said it was something I’ve always had to face. Privately, I’m disappointed. Do you have any suggestions for an alternative way to give her away? Perhaps we could have two ceremonies, where she is given away by her father at the civic and me in church. Or should I swallow hard and attempt to enjoy the day?

I understand that you’re upset, but isn’t this decision down to your daughter? I can almost feel the pressure the poor thing must be under from the tone of your letter. You sound rather forbidding about doing the right thing (asking permission, showing due gratitude), as well as a tiny bit self-righteous about your role over the past 21 years. So, perhaps it’s your ego that’s at the forefront here, rather than your daughter’s happiness.

Whenever we feel particularly resentful and self-righteous about somebody else’s behaviour, we need to look at exactly what it is triggering in us. I’m guessing that you’re feeling disregarded and overlooked — all that time, love, effort and money mean nothing. Instead, one of “life’s wasters” gets all the glory, for doing precisely zero. I think you’re wrong. Your daughter has already done you the great honour of getting her future husband to ask you (not her father) for her hand in marriage. She hadn’t even telephoned her father to tell him of her engagement. I suspect she did that to make you happy. Perhaps you might return the favour and make her happy.

She is obviously aware that you disapprove of her father, but he is her father and, no matter how he has behaved, these are still the ties that bind. Perhaps this is a promise he made to her long ago, when she was a little girl. It may be a promise that she has held in her heart all that time. I don’t know, and nor do you. I do know that being given away by her father does not undermine the love she feels for you or her gratitude for your nurture. She has already shown that through her actions. She came to see you first, and then she asked you if you would be upset, so obviously she cares about your feelings very much. So care about hers in return. If you start to interfere (and I use that word advisedly) with suggestions for alternative wedding arrangements, you will place her under intolerable pressure. Do you really want to see her unhappy for the sake of your own feelings? It’s bad enough trying to come up with a table plan that will keep all the relatives happy; coming up with a double-wedding plan to keep two warring fathers happy doesn’t bear thinking about.

Getting married should involve only two people — and so should the sentiments governing a wedding. The inevitable and wearisome fuss that always seems to attach itself to the day is almost always about other people — their egos, their private battles and resentments. Little of it is ever about — or in the interests of — the two people getting married.

A wedding represents love, pure and simple. If you love your daughter, and you obviously do, then the best thing you can do is support her wholeheartedly in any decision. You may think it’s the wrong one, your ego may want to jump up and shout, “Look what I’ve done for you for 21 years, when that wastrel hasn’t lifted a finger,” but what you’re actually demanding from her is a public acknowledgment of your part in her life. In other words, it’s pure showmanship. The most important thing, surely, is to show her privately just how much you love her. If love demands that you take a back seat, then that’s what love demands. The first and most important rule of parenting is selflessness. I’m sure that you know that. What is rule number two? There isn’t one.

Personally, I think you should say to your daughter that you would absolutely love to give her away and that, should her father not be able to fulfil that role, you would do it with all your heart. But I do think you can insist on saying a few words at her wedding. Then write the speech of your life, and say it straight from your heart. There could be no greater demonstration of your affection for your daughter than your public declaration of love. It is, after all, what a wedding is about, and it will be a far, far finer thing than to squabble about who walks her up the aisle.

If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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