Q I’m 20 and he’s 41. Is he too old for me? I fell for him instantly, but we weren’t sure what people would think, so we decided to keep it a secret. Once our relationship became physical, though, and my feelings got deeper, I blurted it out to my friends. They were shocked by his age, but supportive. Seven months on, we are still seeing each other. We are in love, although he’s convinced that it will end in heartache. He has never been married, and doesn’t have children; yet he fears I’ll resent him if we end up together. I can’t imagine being truly happy without him. Should we put ourselves before everyone else or put our feelings aside for the happiness of others?
Your last sentence implies that you’re a little too caught up in the drama of the situation. Say that you put this man aside. Would you expect other people to feel happy about your unhappiness? Do you think they even have the imagination to know how you would be feeling? And if they did, and they love you, what do you think they would want to do about it?
Nobody can live our lives for us, just as nobody can inhabit our mind or our heart. They may want to, particularly if they are a parent, but what they actually want is a guarantee of happiness for their child. And no sensible person thinks that’s possible.
I doubt your parents will be thrilled. They will feel suspicious of this man’s intentions. They may also feel suspicious that he has reached his forties and never married or had children. At least, as a parent, that’s what I would feel. I would need to be reassured by meeting the man in question and by witnessing his and my daughter’s happiness and balanced intentions. I would also like the relationship brought right out into the open, to see how it would survive the pressures of daily life.
The more you hide, the more heightened the atmosphere will become and the less perspective either of you will have on it. The less light you shine on it, the less you will be able to see what this man truly means to you and whether you truly love each other, or whether secrecy has blown an infatuation out of all proportion.
Love needs fresh air. A good relationship is like a flower. In order to grow well, it needs sunshine and space and room to breathe. In the dark, it grows tangled and complicated and develops out of all proportion to its true nature.
So, tell your parents. You say elsewhere in your letter that you have a good relationship with them. Why spoil it now with secrets and lies?
The truth may put a strain on things, at least temporarily, but it will do far less damage in the long term than not being open and honest. The reaction of your friends should have shown you that. Once the initial shock and curiosity were past, the details of your life blended right back into the wallpaper.
I suspect that if anyone is going to come out badly from this situation, it is your older lover. I have a feeling he knows that, which is why he is trying to keep his distance. There is nothing like a fresh, young mind to make us feel older than our years. Now, he may be an exception. He may like clubbing, he may have the energy to stay awake until the early hours, he may love the erratic enthusiasms and impossible vigour of the young. He may even be able to keep up. You may find his concern with paying the bills and the mortgage and eating in decent restaurants, rather than grabbing a bite on the run, charming and reassuring. You may not grow bored with being with somebody who needs their sleep and likes to be tucked up early, or becomes irritable when they are facing a hard day’s work on less than eight hours.
I am not being patronising. These are real concerns, but you are unlikely to encounter them until you make the relationship real. They may also take a while, even a few years, to make themselves felt. I have seen a close friend go through something similar with her daughter, who fell in love with a man 20 years her senior. At first, the friend was concerned about her daughter’s happiness but, three years later, her daughter is growing bored and feeling the claustrophobia of her lover’s age. Now it is the lover about whom my friend is concerned. He obviously loves her daughter, but is unable to give her what she craves — the company and enthusiasm of youth. The less he can do that, the more unhappy he becomes and the more her daughter pulls away.
So, you see, it works both ways. If you are convinced by this relationship, then follow your heart. Just keep it open and honest, and take things gently. Tell your family, get past the secrecy and the drama, then see where this path takes you. If it works out, then wonderful. If it doesn’t, and you have both acted well, then you will be able to part with sadness, but without regret.
If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer every letter personally
